Hanging w/ Lil Guy

I’ve been lucky (or not) to spend the last few weeks at home spending quality time with my little guy due my work situation. This time has allowed me to do a number of things that I’m sharing with you:

  • Make me more emotional – I am so much more attached to him now (as he is to me)
  • Have me running out of a fitting room without clothes on to chase after him only to find him outside and wrapping a dress that barely fit me around me in order to look clothed
  • Find reading fun but sad that I’m the only one reading. Mussolini likes to bring a book over to me when I am sitting (note – I am not allowed to do anything but sit with him or I get in trouble which sounds something like this AHHHHHHHH). He hands it to me and I begin reading. He is finding another book. Apparently, I’m a bookcase or a place to store his books.
  • He loves my shoes. It’s adorable – he will see my shoes and put them on (sometimes over his own shoes) and walk around.
  • He is happiest in his poop. Ok wait, he is more willing to let me out of his sight for more than 30 seconds when he’s pooped #wtfmotherhood
  • He likes pushing carts, big and small

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I remember…..


the mornings I’d wake up for work. I couldn’t leave until I breastfed.

the moment of “latching” that felt like a connection.

putting you down back to bed, kissing you and going to work.

moments you slept in between us when we co-slept.

the several times you’d wake up in the middle of the night and I’d pull you in to me so you could eat

your Dad asking me how many times you ate during the night and me not knowing because you were practically attached to me all night

holding you 

the times you slept on top of me

the times you couldn’t lift your head and arms to get away from us (which is what you always do)

the times you WANTED to snuggle with us because you didn’t have the mobility to get away and now we just chase you all over

the tears I cried when you wouldn’t go to sleep because you hated naps and bed time

the fears we had in moving you after you’d fall asleep (we would put you on a pillow to let you eat and then move you to your bassinet on the pillow so you wouldn’t wake up).


There are such bittersweet memories that come with the first years.

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Things I wish my Husband would say…

Things I wish my husband would say:
-you look like you have lost weight
-you take a break and let me handle the laundry for a week
-oh the dishes, I already put them in the dishwasher for you.
-I would be happy to hang up the photos for you, nail the rack against the wall in the garage and now the lawn. Oh I will also make sure the oil is changed on the car and our house is dust-free.
-I will cook and feed our son only the best and healthiest foods (instead mine is always picking up Arby’s like its free food)
-I acknowledge you.
-I won’t call you a nag because you won’t be a nag because I’ll do the things you ask me to the first time you ask….
What I will settle for:
-thank you for ……
-it’s really great that you …..
-I love that you ……
What I have now……..
Exactly, a big fat nothing!
Ahh the perils of early motherhood.

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I’m still fun…

The hubbie and I, as some of you know, have been going through a rough patch. It is, just that, a rough patch. Anyway, we have dreamed of, discussed, fought about things we can do to “re-kindle” the fire. In fact, I’ve told him flat out that I will not get pregnant again until he takes me somewhere amazing and I feel super special again (not in those exact words but fairly close).

So, when the opportunity to go out for a night of dancing (my favorite thing in the world), we practically seized it. Ok, not really. I got a close friend to watch the little guy which is really watching him on a baby monitor because we did all the hard stuff like bath and bedtime. When I talked to her a few hours before, I confessed I didn’t know if we’d really go out and she immediately said, “umm really? I’m coming to babysit because I feel bad that you haven’t gone out – please don’t waste my time.” At this point, I realized we should probably suck it up and go out despite how exhausted we were from my sons’ night tantrum from 3am – 4am.

Driving down the freeway dressed all nice seems pretty fun with your fairly good-looking husband especially when he is looking pretty hot too. I was excited.. to try to bring back some of the sizzle. Being a parent is fun but damn it can knock the pretty out of you by the minute (or by morning which is how my son likes to do it). We couldn’t agree on details like dinner, where to go, etc but we finally decided to pick up dinner quickly and then head to a bar with a decent dance floor. We parked and started walking when I pointed out a bar that my friends frequent. Upon looking closer, we saw an old friend so thought we’d swing by to say hello. This encounter turned interesting as I ran into a second friend. This friend thought I had died and come back from heaven upon seeing me. I told her we’d be dancing a few bars over and she said she’d come by. She looked me square in the eye and said “I can’t believe you’re out.”

Many of you are probably saying, what are you saying here? She’s just being honest but the the of her voice was like “You became a mom and basically boring so I’m surprised you’d hang out with us fun people.” I decided to let all this go because heck, whatever, I’m having a fun night w/ my hubbie.

We proceed to our destination and I hear the music and I gravitate to the pre-baby person, non-mom, hot smokin’ gal that I am and shake my tail off. My husband and I, despite the strange crowd, are having a good time dancing away (ok I’m probably having more fun than he is — he is just swaying right to left behind me). The same friend finds me in the dance floor and starts dancing with me. She puts her arms around me and again tells me how glad she is to see me out….

I know I’m pushing it but why does seeing me at a bar seem so shocking? I mean I could be at a bar more if I wanted but I don’t know that I really want to. I’m not sure that mom = unfun. I guess that’s what bothered me — it was like she felt that I didn’t know how to have fun anymore now that I’m a mom. It’s just so unfun of me to be at a bar or out with my husband dancing.

I know I’m probably reading into this way too much but have you ever felt like that? Have the people around you ever made you feel like you became a parent and then just a loser like at the exact same time?

Well, maybe you have and maybe you haven’t but I just can’t help feeling a little offended that my motherhood makes me less fun. If only my friend could see me lay on the ground next to my son and fake tantrums like he does…. 😉

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October 23, 2012 · 3:43 pm

Working Mom 101

Hug your kid.

Kiss your kid.

Cuddle w/ your partner.

Jump up and down on a bed.





Accept that you will not be perfect in every category.

Remember to cherish the moments that matter.



Don’t sweat the small stuff – after getting Liquid Advil in my hair because my son was NOT going to take that horrible poison I was giving him, I decided against scolding him about my hair and just decided that’s life.

Love. every second. every moment. every smile. each drop of goodness.

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Things I did in the first 6 months

It’s been really intense – my travel schedule has been hell-ish and my mind has been filled with 1 million thoughts plus in the last few days I am almost stuck in my head but in an effort to stick to my plan which was to make this blog about my journey through motherhood, today, I want to share things I did in the first 6 months as a new mom…….

  • cry regularly – only when I couldn’t put my son to sleep
  • Google topics like sleeping through the night
  • look at BabyCenter blogs every day
  • Google topics like eating solids
  • reminisce about the old days
  • post my baby vents on BabyCenter only to be judged by moms for having a nanny and supposedly beating my child
  • Google topics like teething
  • try to create a balance/schedule for my son
  • Google topics like eating – how much does my 6 month old need
  • fall asleep while my son breastfed at night – we co-slept and loved it
  • realize that my son wasn’t getting enough sleep and learn about every sleep method i could possibly find
  • look up baby food recipes in an attempt to not feed my son SHIT (that’s what they are calling foods you buy from the store not made from real products) – ultimately, i stuck with gerber jars for a long time because i’m not a freaking chef!
  • use a cheese grater to make apple sauce
  • bite into foods and then give the bite in my mouth to my son
  • cry some more
  • try to figure out which breast had more milk
  • pump every day like a machine
  • think of the days i no longer have to breastfeed
  • hold my son to my breast so he’ll learn to eat (he was a night-nurser and felt if he breastfed during the day, he may MISS something
  • Google things like cold, flu, temperature, or how many ounces should my son be getting
  • Get caught up in posts about co-sleeping vs crib training, cry it out methods vs attachment parenting, high needs children vs what my friend says are “blah” babies

This is just a SMALL collection of my days as a new mom. There is SOOOOO much uncertainty regarding what to do, how to do it, how not to do it, figuring out the elements needed to get it right that the first 6 months are just a crazy fest!

If you find yourself Googling some of the things I googled, you’ll have so much fun and at the same time go very crazy.

Good luck!

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Visiting Old Haunts

In my early to mid 20s, I ran life. I was the center of my life. I worked where I wanted to work; I danced where I wanted to dance. It was all about me and I could live life however I wanted. I could date whomever I wanted and I could easily dump whomever I wanted. Fast-forward to now, my life mostly revolves around a little monster I sometimes call Mussolini. Of course, we all love our children. However, I am the first to admit that sometimes, in that rare moment of insanity, I remember how easy it was. I went where I wanted when I wanted and how I wanted. I answered to nobody and it was pretty bad ass.

Many of us do this – look back and reminisce. We just never talk about it. I’m not sure why – so many parenthood topics seem taboo these days because we may hurt our childrens’ feelings or we are horrible people. Just because I look back and remember the old days fondly does NOT mean I want to go back to them. I just want to be able to talk to them and be sentimental about it.

So, I’m visiting one of my old neighborhoods. It’s a beautiful area with so much life. It’s vivacious, exciting, with amazing foods and lovely sightseeing. I’m psyched to go back and see old friends. It’s different though, now anyways, and I find myself brewing so many insecurities and feelings.

I wonder if I’ll resent my new life;

I wonder if I’ll be able to spend the kind of time with my friends I want to spend (they are coming to meet my family so the usual bar/club/party scene is out the window).

I wonder if I will feel different being back there seeing so many old friends.

I wonder how my family will react – will my son love it? Will he feel anything?

I wonder so many things. Will I want to go back to that lifestyle?

I know, deep down, when I look into my son and he lights up that I have no regrets and I love him more than anything. However, there is an ambitious side of me that wants to be successful in my career that always pushes me to be faster and better. The balance of being the best mom and the best career woman are challenging.

I feel like my thoughts in this post are jumbled and this is mostly because my feelings are so raw. How do you tell the people around you that you’re not sure how you feel about visiting home because you don’t want it to upset the happiness in your life. How do you explain the feelings you have regarding visiting old friends and wanting to ditch your kid for a few hours to dance the evening away?

You don’t. You do, however, find people to talk to about all of this. I’m finding more and more new parents unwilling or unable to tell others how they really feel. This is because the judgment that goes around when people express themselves. If you’re reading this, take a step back and try not to judge the parent who says he/she can’t stand his/her kid. Give them a minute to breathe, shake it off and take it all back.

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